At 7:30 everyday Lawrence Central recieves Channel One news, a teenage-aimed news program design to educate young minds on current events. And sell Nokia Phones. And teach us that while people who are stoned are funny, it's not funny when they murder small children. Because that is not terribly obvious to most of us. And to sell Cingular Wireless plans to go with the Nokia phones. And tell us to watch Smallville on the WB Wednesday. And discuss the HoYay! on your Nokia phone with the Cingular Wireless plan.However most of us just really don't care that much.
1.) Fire Errol Barnett
Just trust us Primedia. Sack him
2.) Hire Heterosexual Anchors and Writers
It can't be that hard to find straight anchors and writers. I mean, at the very least hire straight writers. But please fire Joshua
is a massive Toole (who needs a frigging haircut) and Lauren Jiggets who is a big honking lesbo. Keep Derrick Shore, because his rabid fans are hilarious. Yes. Derrick Shore has rabid fans. Heh. Heh Heh...
3.) Report the news without being boring, pedantic or sanctimonious
Because we really don't care that much about Megacities and Brazilian people who juggle to make extra money. College applications...okay, we can go for that. And We. Get. It. Bush has screwed up with the war on Iraq. SARS (but not Sars) is bad. North Korea is Evil. Yeah, knew that. Anvilicious, people. I'm just sayin...
4.) Better Commercials
The stoned crash test dummies. The transvestite husband who prances around in a cheerleading uniform. One Tree Hill. The Marines commercial with the guy who climbs of a face of sheer rock, and ends up looking retarded in a full dress Marine's uniform Why are these annoying commercials. Because we've seen the 150 million times. Each.
5.) Stop interviewing fugly people
Channel one regularly goes to schools to ask questions of the students. All the students are tall and really ugly with unfortunate hair. That sounds familiar *cough*Linday*cough* Heh Heh Heh...
6.) Take the smack away from the Main Title Designers
The girl cowboy riding the dragonfly may be interesting for stoners, but Channel One really needs to air normal opening credits that aren’t so…bizarre.
7.) RANDOMEST. PEOPLE. EVER.
Haley Joel Osment. Chad Michael Murray. Frankie Muniz. Beverly Mitchell. Paul Oakenfold. Lillix. I know who they are because I have an extensive knowledge of pop culture. But nobody else does. LOSE THEM.
8.) Lose the tunes
Why do they always play Coldplay's "Clocks" during a montage? I mean every frikkin' time. Mix it up! Try a little Hey Mama (The song from the iPod commecial, you know the one, with the girl who has a massive and extremely mobile afro). Speaking of massive things what about Massive Attack's Angel, I think a montage intercut with trippy eye shots would totally rock. But they don't care what I think. Hey! Guess what else I think? This show SUCKS!
9.) Less Human Interest
We're teenagers. We only care about ourselves. What do you think we will be facinated by a story on a girl who makes Kevlar vests for police dogs? Do all fifty states and we might respond with a hearty, disinterested...Meh.
10.) Less Army Recruiting Commercials
They always make the army look cool and fun but then you enlist and go to boot camp, get your head shaved, and have people yell at you for four years. Yeah, I think I'll do that!
That's all for me people. Good Night
