Dear Dogs,
You have made yourselves perfectly clear. We, the cyclists and pedestrians of suburban Indianapolis, are coming dangerously close to your territory. I understand that this worries and perturbs you. I understand that you are concerned not just for your own safety but for your masters'. I fully appreciate that the sidewalk is awfully close to the lawn and the lawn is really right by the house, and that you can't actually get up close to make your point because an electrical shock hits you when you wander too far from the house. However, none of these points justifies your behavior.
Quite frankly, your incessant barking is both inneffectual and annoying. Even if I did have hostile intentions toward your master, wouldn't you be better served by keeping quiet and then attacking when I got close? Your "scare them away with barking" strategy just broadcasts your location and intentions to a true hostile, who would most likely be able to overpower and dispatch of you. This strategy also effects two other groups: those who wish to visit your master with non hostile intentions such as the delivery of mail or a spot of tea; and those who are simply passing by on the (public) sidewalk. Also, your rather obnoxious barking can cause a chain reaction, with one of you setting off another and then another, until whole neighborhoods are barking. This can be especially frustrating at night and early morning, when many humans are trying to sleep. [BUT WHAT ABOUT
THE TWILIGHT BARK?!!!?!!?!?!?! --Michael]
The fact is, dogs, that as well meaning as you are, you simply don't understand the intricacies of human society, and you're really just making fools of yourselves. So please, redirect your energy to more productive ends such as sniffing at each other's posteriors and leave the protection of humans to security systems and police forces.
Sincerely,
Jonah Comstock
